I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
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CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…