She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
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I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
an octopus is just a wet spider
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side