You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
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Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome