*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
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I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
How times have changed.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200