WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
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*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
english majors be like furthermore
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.