*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
You Might Also Like
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
yeah no that’s fair
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN