[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
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Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
December birthdays be like…
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*