I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
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Brilliant!
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
my dog when i have a friend over
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered