Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
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Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Meanwhile in Canada…
Get off my horse you stupid moon
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No