a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
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I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”