If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
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Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.