Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
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Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?