Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
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Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home