Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
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I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
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Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.