Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
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Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Dune (2021)
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.