We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
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Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR