Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
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GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent