Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
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[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Best table by far
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.