@SwedishCanary: Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it's not necessary to show it off.
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@slotjunkierose: Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today...finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
@_davidlucas_: *Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter* Her: Did you want to buy that? Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
@ericsshadow: [emergency room] DOCTOR: Point to what's causing you the most pain ME: I can't, they're at home playing xbox
@CherBear162: "Remember Robert from work?" Yeah..he was a douche. "He died." WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!