Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
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I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.