Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
You Might Also Like
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf