*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
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Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.