*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
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DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
My kitchen overserved me.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”