*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
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My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
I finally found a reason to live again.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.