Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
You Might Also Like
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Get in loser we’re going crying