Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
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Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Girl, same.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
B
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials