The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
You Might Also Like
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Monday
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.