I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
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Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.