Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
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One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Put a ring on it
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!