KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
You Might Also Like
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
BRO LMFAO
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.