Going to pronounce fecal like decal
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Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.