[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
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you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
I was up all night reading about insomnia