kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
You Might Also Like
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?