kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
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*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked