Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
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My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.