January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
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They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.