BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
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Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”