Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
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[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Um … Hot Wings please
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
set yourself free xox
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.