@JennyJohnsonHi5: Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
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@ArfMeasures: [After winning an award] HOST: Is there anyone you'd like to thank? ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
@AngelaEhh: My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge. I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
@UncleDuke1969: Me: I haven’t tweeted in days. Wife: Oh no! Hold on… *opens laptop *types Wife: Phew! Me: What? Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.