@IamEnidColeslaw: Kristen Stewart was raised by a pair of vacuum cleaners
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@LionJenkins: Me: Doctor, it hurts when I go like this. Doctor: You're not doing anything. You're just sitting there being alive. Me: Exactly.
@kumailn: "And remember to talk to everyone like they're a 3rd grader." - flight attendant manual
@AristotlesNZ: Coworker just asked me if I'm "working hard or hardly working" & now I'm standing over him asking if he's "bleeding bad or badly bleeding?"