@IamEnidColeslaw: Kristen Stewart was raised by a pair of vacuum cleaners
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@Cpin42: HER: Whisper in my ear ME: [softly] We're cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
@ericsshadow: When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I'm going to ask him for some dating advice.
@DurtMcHurtt: [intensive care] NURSE: I'll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?! ME [patient]: wow, I didn't realize how intense the care was here.
@Quartzjixler: The cashier wasn't impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said "Keep the change" from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.