I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
You Might Also Like
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
This is my emotional support knife.
“What movie?” 🤔
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.