@IamEnidColeslaw: Kristen Stewart was raised by a pair of vacuum cleaners
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@PersianCeltic: Do you smoke? Smokers: "Yes." Non-Smokers: "Never have, never will." Stoners: "Smoke what?"
@PaperWash: [driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on] moth driving: omg moth wife: Harold no we have a baby moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
@Lance_Said_This: What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there's no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
@notacroc: WIFE: don't be weird at the party tonight ME: am i ever weird? [dinner party] CHERYL: how's the soup taste? ME: like the blood of my enemies