@thirdbeat: Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
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@Darlainky: [liquor store] Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring. Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection* Him: Oh, it's you.
@RandiLawson: I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
@DurtMcHurtt: People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.