Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
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Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged