[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
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Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
This kid is a star!
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.