Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
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cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Haha! 😂
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.