Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
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ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
we’re dead?
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.