Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
You Might Also Like
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
me, too, girl. me, too.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?