Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
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Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
🤭😂
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil