Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
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today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!