Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
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Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Don’t tell me what to do
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.