Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
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If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.