Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
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If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
A short story of betrayal:
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
*mops up wine with cat*
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion