Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
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Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Same pineapple, same
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.