Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
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Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad