[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
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Not now. I’m deglazing.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of