“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
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I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
We avoided this particular disaster
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*